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There’s a difference between love, being in love, and getting married.
Being in love is an altered state. Suddenly your life is focused on another person and you can’t bear being separated from him or her. You are in a bubble of fantasy, feeling overcome and giddy. Love for another person, in contrast, is closer to appreciation and affection.
Love is fairly reasonable, while being in love is more like a prolonged seizure, not literally sick or crazy, but one of those ordinary, positive ecstasies that take you out of ordinary life and introduce you to something new.

Some people think that being in love is an illusion and that it only leads to catastrophe because you can’t make a good decision from that place. But I think that being in love is one of the great joys of life. It brings people together and gives them the kick they need to get over obstacles in their developing relationship. Yes, you can make bad decisions because of love’s blindness, but you can also make good ones. We all need an extra jolt of passion to get over our inhibitions and move a step further into what life has to offer.

It’s helpful to know the difference between loving someone and “being in love,” and it helps to do both in a relationship.

If you can’t stop thinking about the other person, you’re probably in love or getting close to it.
If you can imagine a family, work, and life together, you may be moving toward a steady love of the more meaningful kind.
When you’re dating, you have to be patient and make your decisions during moments of clarity. Usually the blindness lasts only for a certain period, and then gradually it is replaced by the realities of making life decisions and getting along with the person on an everyday basis. It’s possible to nurture both kinds of love in a relationship, and often it’s deeply satisfying, though I would say not necessary, always to feel at least a little in love.

Couples sometimes worry that they are losing the love that brought them together, but love changes tone and color all the time. People make a mistake in thinking of love as a constant, unchanging emotion. What may feel like loss of love may be its ripening. Being in love can transform into a deeper, steadier desire to be together and share a life. But, as everyone knows, being in love doesn’t always turn into a lasting relationship. That’s all right, too, because each time we love and separate, we are initiated into love’s ways, provided we allow ourselves to feel our emotions and talk about our experiences honestly with friends and family.

To assess whether you and the person you’re in love with are ready for a serious relationship, you can ask yourself some key questions: Has your relationship been tested by differences of taste and opinion? Can you talk seriously and openly to each other? Can you imagine enjoying raising children together, sharing a life, and appreciating your differences? The pleasant potion on Cupid’s arrow works instantly, but the working out of a relationship takes years.

How to Express Your Feelings to the One You Love

from wikiHow

Love is not about giving or receiving gifts but about sharing each other’s feelings and letting each other know how much you really care. You need to be romantic, creative, and unique. The best way to show someone you really care is by words and how your actions make them feel special. You need to say something coming from the heart and show them from your soul. Love them for who they are and not for who you are.

Steps

1. Think about all the great moments that you have shared with that person for inspiration. If you think you won’t remember, write it down or even better, make it into a poem.
2. Try to think of words that can describe what your feelings towards him/her are. The happiness you feel when you are around him/her and the necessity you have to being with him/her.
3. Find a place where you’ll be comfortable and alone.
4. Finally, just say it. Don’t try to think of the perfect time to say it because sometimes it will never come out, if you become too nervous. If you didn’t prepare anything to say, just speak your heart out.

Tips

• Do not stress about it. They are your feelings; you just need to learn how to express them.
• You don’t need to be at a fancy place to tell him/her that you love them. Just pick somewhere where you could be alone.
• If you want to be romantic, go somewhere special. For example; you can go where you both met, where you first kissed each other or just somewhere with a nice view or a place that is special to both of you.
• Don’t forget to say “I love you,” and if you really mean it, say it a lot because that person will never get tired of hearing it.

Warnings

• To truly love is to give and expect nothing in return. This makes it a giving - giving relationship when both think this way.
• Do not be afraid to give and show your love, understand and respect each other’s feelings and emotions. Remember our hearts are fragile and feel everything.
• Don’t end it if they don’t say it back. Nothing says both parties fall in love at the same time, continue to love them and when it’s right for them, they’ll say it back.
• Tell them how much you want to be with them and spend as time with them as you can. They will appreciate that you are showing them your love and not just saying it.
• If the girl/guy does not love you back, there is a chance she/he will freak out. Proceed cautiously and slowly

How to Write a Love Letter

from wikiHow

We feel good when we make the people we love feel happy. Whether this letter is for someone you are confessing your secret love for them to, or someone that already knows and loves you, it will be appreciated.

Steps

1. Think of a time when you felt particularly moved by seeing your loved one, no matter how small the event. Recall the emotional and physical feelings you experienced in that moment.
2. Write a description of that moment including details about your feelings at the time, starting with a phrase such as, “I remember when”
3. Recall two or three other experiences when you were moved by your loved one’s words or actions. Add recollections of these experiences to your letter in the same way you wrote about the first one.
4. Feel the same way you felt the very first time you met your love.
5. Add many things that you love about their personality and/or appearance.
6. If you feel comfortable and it works for your relationship, add dirty things - talk about the last encounter you two had, or what you’d like to do next time you meet.
7. End with a “P.S.” Make it stupid. That way, any embarrassment you feel about the letter is lessened. Hopefully, you’re not embarrassed by your love letter.
8. Add a bunch of mushy gushy stuff, it’s pure dynamite.

Tips

• Describe your experiences using your own words, without forcing yourself to be fancy.
• Exclude cliches from your letter.
• Exclude rhyming poetry
• Write two or three drafts until the letter sounds pleasing.
• Write your own, original words, not something you’ve read or heard. The most important thing of all.
• If you do quote something make sure to give credit for it.
• Read it out loud! Just because it makes sense on paper doesn’t mean it will make sense when spoken.
• Try to learn calligraphy. If you think that’s hard, it’s not. Go to an art supply store, and get a pen, a fine nib, a thicker nib if you like, and a bottle of ink, then go slow and carefully when you write. This not only lets you think more about what you say, it also looks far more impressive.
• Do not use a sentence like “you are hot” or “I like you a lot” or something like that, it might make them a little uneasy.
• Do not explicitly refer to parts of the anatomy. This could be a turn-off. Don’t use flippant language either. (Example: badunkadunks.)
• Cheesy can be okay, but be sure not to overdo it. Make it sweet, heartfelt, and true.
• Don’t lie to impress. Example: Don’t say “I love the way you flip your hair” to impress her/him, when that’s not true. Honesty is the best policy.
• Love letters are great as a “refresher” in a relationship, possibly for a special anniversary or such.

Warnings

• Be prepared to receive a hug and a kiss after your loved one reads your letter.
• But hey, face it, not everyone is in to you. Don’t write a love letter unless you’re sure the guy/girl is into you. Writing something as heartfelt as a love letter may be too much for some people. Be prepared for a letdown, but don’t absolutely expect it.
• Keep it simple, but heartfelt.
• Don’t focus on yourself.
• If you’re a girl writing a love letter to her guy, don’t be surprised if he thinks it’s a joke, or just says “Yeah whatever” and stuffs it into a drawer. Sometimes, guys aren’t all ‘lovey-dovey’ like girls, and they simply might not understand the letter
• REMEMBER - If it’s written down, it can be shown to other people! The best way to talk to your partner is always in person, otherwise you could find your romantic sonnet photocopied and pasted all over your school/workplace.
• While simply handing the letter over or even reading it aloud work, you can increase the overall effect by memorizing the letter and simply telling them. You gain the added advantage of being able to look them in the eye (as opposed to reading it from the paper, in which you can only make minimal eye contact), exude an incredible confidence as few people can muster the strength to say these sorts of things, and create a genuine memory together. Afterwards, you can give them the letter as a reminder of that incredible moment that you two shared.

How to Get Over a Break Up

from wikiHow

We all go through breakups. They can be rough, and they can be amicable; no matter what, no one really wants to go through them. Breakups are handled differently by different people. These steps may not be perfect for everyone, but they can help!

Steps

1. Examine what happened, and ask yourself why. Don’t act like it’s your fault. You have to make it clear to yourself that this is not entirely your fault - or not your fault at all. Really thinking about the reasons it ended can make it clearer to you that it takes two people to start a relationship, but one discordant person is enough to end it. It may also help you avoid missteps in the future if you can identify areas where you contributed to the demise of the relationship.
2. Don’t rethink your decision. If the breakup was your decision, bear in mind that thinking about all the good times you had may cause you to forget the reason for why you broke it off. By the same token, try not to second guess if the decision to end things was not yours. It’s very common to overly romanticize the good parts of a relationship, convincing yourself that maybe the bad parts weren’t so bad after all, maybe you could live with them. Or that maybe if your ex could know just how you feel, s/he wouldn’t want to break up after all. Don’t play this game with yourself. Accept the situation and move on.
3. Keep your distance. Even if you and your ex have decided to stay friends, take a complete break from each other immediately after the breakup. That means no seeing each other, no phone calls, no e-mails, no Instant Messaging, and most importantly, no sex - not necessarily as a permanent measure (except where sex is concerned), but until you feel that you can converse with him/her like a normal person, without an ulterior motive (and yes, wanting to get back together counts as an ulterior motive). Also, if he or she tries to ask you to see him/her, make sure you question yourself of what good can come out of it. You don’t want to relive the past by seeing him/her otherwise you’ll get caught up by that moment and it will be hard to let go again.
4. Accept your pain. Have some good long cries if you feel like it. It’s okay to be hurt, feel alone, and feel like you have messed up. Accepting responsibility for your mistakes or shortcomings is healthy, but you must also accept that you are a good person, and this is not all one-sided. Of course, a stage of denial is completely natural, but acceptance is the key to being able to begin to move on.
5. Think through everything thoroughly, but not obsessively. Go ahead and mull it over, as many times as necessary, within reason. Consider all the reasons you two broke up. Even if it seems there wasn’t a good reason, there certainly was one - and probably more than one. Understand that you enjoyed one another for a while, but even though everything seemed okay to you, if the relationship was not what your partner wanted for life, it would have ended eventually, no matter what. In this case, better sooner than later.
6. Deal with the hate phase. This is where you want to just scream because you are so angry, even furious. The amount of anger you feel all depends on how bad the split was, how it occurred (was there infidelity? That makes it worse), and how long it took to make the final break. There may be feelings of resentment at your ex for wasting your time. You may realize the breakup was inevitable (hindsight will reveal clues you failed to notice at the time). You may even feel like you hate yourself, but let go of that feeling fast! It’s a waste of time to be hating and ripping yourself apart over something you no longer have the power to change.
7. Talk to your friends. They are always a source of advice and help. If you are close with any family members, they may be a good source of advice/guidance. You want people around you that love you and who will help you see that you should love yourself too. Surrounding yourself with compassionate, loving friends and family will help you see yourself as a worthwhile, worthy person again, and you’ll find it easier to get steady on your feet again with your loved ones around you in a comforting net.
8. Write all your feelings down. Write in a journal or write poems. Most of all, be absolutely honest and don’t edit yourself as you go. One of the best results of writing it all down is that sometimes you will be amazed by a sudden insight that comes to you as you are pouring out your thoughts onto paper. Patterns may become clearer, and as your grieving begins to lessen, you will find it so much easier to “get” valuable life lessons from the whole experience if you’ve been writing your way through it. No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself from having gone through it all with your heart open to both joy and pain. Just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean it wasn’t a necessary part of your journey to becoming who you’re meant to be. Allow at least the learning part to enrich your life.
9. Make a list to keep you honest. One of the best things you can do to help you stick to your resolve is to make a list of all the reasons your ex was not the one for you. Be ruthless and clear — this is not the time to be forgiving. What you’re doing is creating a picture for yourself that will call up an emotional response when you feel tempted to think that “maybe if you just did this or that, it would work out…” Write down what happened and how it made you feel, being clear about the things you never want to feel again. ["1. She puts me down in front of her parents and I feel humiliated. 2. I don't want to take him out to gatherings with other couples because he's always hitting on my friends -- it makes me sick! 3. When I ask her to help with the housework, she says she's exhausted from sitting at her desk all day, even though I've been sitting at a desk all day too and I end up doing it all myself!"] And so on. When you find yourself missing your ex in a weak moment, and think you might actually be getting too close to the telephone, get out this list, read it over a couple times, and then tell yourself, “This is the truth of what it was like. Do I want to go back and torture myself again?” If you’re caught in low-self-esteem trap of thinking that you don’t deserve someone better, imagine this is happening to a friend of yours, and think what you would say to your friend: “Get as far away as you can! That relationship was no good for you!”
10. Clean up! A breakup can signify a new beginning. Therefore, cleaning your personal space will leave you feeling refreshed and prepared for the new things to come. A mess can be overwhelming and depressing, and will just add to your stress level. The added bonus is that keeping busy with tidying your space doesn’t require a lot of brain power, but does require just enough focus to keep you from recycling pain. Occupying yourself with these tasks designed to make your life better and easier will also occupy your mind enough to help you through the residual pain.
11. Keep fond memories, discard painful ones. Sometimes there are things that remind us of another person. Say, you hear a song or see a picture that reminds you of your ex, you probably get all sad and worked up. Well, instead of feeling that way, turn the station and move on - don’t dwell on the pain. But if you have a keepsake, such as a watch or a pin that was given to you by your ex, and it makes you feel good to wear it and remember the good parts of your relationship, by all means, do so.
12. Find happiness in other areas of your life. Whether that means spending time with your friends and family, taking up that class you’ve always wanted to take, or reading every book on the New York Times bestseller list, remind yourself that a relationship is one part of life, but even when you are in one, there are personal pleasures that you can always enjoy on your own. Indulge in those things now. As they say, the best revenge is living well.
13. Stay active. It’s scientifically confirmed that exercise improves your mood, being a great alleviator of depression, and the distraction will help keep your mind off the situation. Go running outside, visit (or join) the gym, or just go for a walk, maybe with a friend, and think of releasing the anger or sadness with every step.
14. Let go. See that there is no sense in still being heartbroken, regretful, and harboring hatred toward that person. Realize that although your relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways, you can congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and fall in love, and encourage your heart that even though love didn’t work out this time, there will be a next time.
15. Take Time. Find a place where you feel comfortable, relaxed, and which is far away from your ex. Take a moment to listen, and to be alone or with someone you trust. Remind yourself that the only thing worse than the pain of a breakup is continuing a relationship that was not right for one or both of you.
16. Think positively. Now that you are single, you get to find someone else to go out with,find someone new, and different. This doesnt have to be so bad. Change your behaviors; that will help change your thinking. Of course, don’t forget about respecting other peoples’ thoughts and feelings while feeling released and free, and always remember to be true to yourself.

Tips

• Walk out of your heartache, knowing that you have done all that you can do, said all that you can say, and given as much as you can give. When you feel that you did your part as best you could, but he or she didn’t meet you halfway, then you will not need to torture yourself with “what-ifs”.
• Do not put yourself through more pain than you have to. Do not think about where he or she would be right now, or if you should visit (you should not). Don’t try to talk to him or her about the breakup. Don’t make yourself think negatively about yourself or your judgment, or anything else that will make you doubt your decisions or yourself.
• Remember that your ex may be trying to get over you, as well. Be sensitive to that, and keep your distance. If you’ve decided to stop seeing one another, do just that: stop.
• Sometimes it helps to listen to music that matches your feelings because you have stored up grief that needs a trigger to help you release it. But beware of wallowing. After a certain point, you’re not helping yourself by going through it all again and again with the sad songs. Stephen Sondheim reminds us in his song “Into the Woods”: “Into the woods and out of the woods and home before dark!” You can think of the grieving part of your process as “the woods”: you may have to “go there”, but you definitely shouldn’t live there.
• As trite as it may sound, this one bears repeating: find something constructive to do - something that will hold your attention and require you to focus and get interested. Once you’ve spent a few days (or weeks) indulging the grief, it’s time to take a class or maybe join a book group. Find something that gets you out of the house and out of your circular thought process, and which involves your brain or your creative side. Sometimes you’ve forgotten who you were before you hooked up with the person you’re so sad about now, and you need to wake yourself up a bit and remember that you used to have fun doing things you’ve forgotten about since then. You’ve got a brain, go use it for something besides re-running old memories!
• Remember those old catch phrases: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, “Everything happens for a reason”, “There are other fish in the sea” and most of all, “This too shall pass”. When you go through a breakup or some other emotionally challenging time in your life, you’re actually getting closer to finding real happiness because you are getting to know your true inner self. This may or may not include other romantic relationships or eventual marriage. Whatever happens is okay, no matter what you do in life.
• As simple as this sounds, be clear to yourself that you are actually breaking up. Too often the thoughts of possibly being back together will creep in, distracting you from the work of healing. Such fantasizing gradually eats at you and destroys your emotional well being. Accept the truth of your situation, and commit to it.
• If your ex has left you for another person then ask yourself: if s/he said s/he wanted you back, would you really want him or her? Would you ever trust him not to break your heart again? Would you be hurt, angry, distrustful when he is 10 minutes late calling you, wondering where she is, who he is with? Though you may believe that the answer to all your prayers would be a reconciliation with your ex, if it does happen, you may find that Mr. Spock from Star Trek was right when he said “You may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.”
• Freedom from fear is what you get when you end a relationship with a cheater. Sometimes the most liberating phase of a post-betrayal breakup is the sudden realization that you are no longer sitting at home waiting for a phone call, spending the evening obsessively searching for evidence of an affair, or just imagining what might be going on behind your back — you’re done with all that! The one deserving person you need to take care of now is yourself, and it is so much easier to relax and just love yourself when you’re not in constant fear. Count this as a gigantic blessing!
• Keep your dignity. Many times, it’s our own ego that causes the pain; we feel rejected and deceived, embarrassed. We doubt our self worth and adequacy. A breakup, especially one in which your partner has cheated on you, can really undermine your self-confidence and shake your self-esteem to the core. Help rebuild your inner stability by impressing yourself with accomplishment - volunteer, take a class, do things that remind you of your value as a person.
• Remember that this pain just has to be survived. It takes a season of time to heal, like a broken arm - there is no magical, instant cure or relief. You won’t die from it, though you may feel like you will for a time. Endure. Eventually you will feel better, the pain will lessen, and you will be able to love again.
• It’s a good time to try something new. Try a new hobby, a style, a sport. It’ll keep you going and moving on.
• If you find yourself compulsively checking your ex’s myspace, Facebook, or any other social networking profile, help yourself out and use the Firefox extension, blocksite, which allows you to block the URL to that profile. Sometimes it also helps to take them off your ‘Friends’ list, or ‘de-friend’ them. Even if things ended on a clean slate, it can be too painful to see what the other person is up to.
• Your partner has a right to choose to be or not to be with you. Respect the decision. If your partner digs at you again, do behave with dignity. Taking the high road may be hard now, but you’ll be glad later that you didn’t stoop to the gutter, even though you could have.
• Every day, find something that will make you smile. Smiling really helps, even at the worst time of your life. You are free to be whoever you want to be now, without thinking “will he/she mind if I do that?”. Nothing is more important than you. Love yourself, love life, and when you wake up, SMILE! (Carole King’s wonderful anthem “Beautiful” has the lines, “You’ve got to get up every morning with a smile on your face and show the world all the love in your heart. Then people gonna treat you better, you’re gonna find — yes you will — that you’re beautiful… as you feel.” Sometimes it helps to play that song for yourself first thing every morning!)

Warnings

• Do not contact other people who have been interested in you to make yourself feel better or get involved with someone else (emotionally or sexually) right away. For one thing, it isn’t fair to them, as they may become the victim of your rebound. But most importantly, it isn’t fair to you. You need to grieve, and you need to heal. Allow yourself adequate time to process before starting a new relationship. *Don’t look for so many distractions from the pain, emptiness, or heartache that you fail to process the emotions of loss adequately. You’re supposed to grieve a lost relationship in which you’d invested yourself emotionally. Think about it - what kind of person could just say, “Whatever” and walk away as if nothing had happened? Ride it out - turning to destructive distractions like drugs, alcohol, casual sex, etc. will only make things worse, and can actually prolong the entire grieving process. If you try to hide from the pain, it just waits around the corner and jumps out at you as soon as the temporary relief of your “distraction” wears off. The best and only way to get to the other side of the sadness is to go straight through it with a clear head. Believe it or not, it’s the fastest way as well. It won’t be long until you do feel better.
• If you were the one who got “dumped,” avoid the temptation to chase after your ex, ask questions about what went wrong, and try to “fix” everything. It will only strengthen your ex’s resolve to push you away, and will make the breakup much harder and more painful than it needs to be.
• If your ex has done things to hurt you (other than breaking up), don’t stoop to that level. It’s pathetic and cruel and complicates your emotions — your basic hurt and sadness is enough without adding confusion, guilt and other anxieties. You will get over it, you will feel better,and you will feel happier than you ever imagined the day you realize you’re really starting to be over it — the simpler your path from A to B, the easier and quicker it will be.
• Although you may be tempted to take revenge, or send notification through third parties about your great success in life since the breakup - don’t exert the energy. Allow things to run their course without your intervention - they have a way of working out just fine in the end.
• Never contemplate suicide. You are ending a relationship - and even though it’s hard to believe it, you are not ending life itself. Give yourself time to recover from the shock and sadness without entertaining thoughts of harming yourself. If you find you can’t shake these thoughts after a few days, then you need to seek psychiatric help immediately.
• Avoid checking up on any online social networking page (Bebo, MySpace, Facebook) to see what your ex is up to. If you think you’ll be too tempted, just cut loose and quit the site. The possibility exists that you’ll be checking one day and see your former squeeze with another girl/guy. There is such thing as being self-protective and avoiding unnecessary pain.
• Please remember too that if it didn’t work the first time and the second or third time with this person, you may just not be compatible and its better to let go and move on.
• If you are tempted to hurt yourself physically in any way, realize that this will not make the pain go away, it will just cause you more pain. Again, if you’re thinking this way, it is time to seek psychiatric care.

Things You’ll Need

• You can do it without the following items, but they are highly recommended for the most rewarding (yes, really!) experience possible:

• A few shoulders to cry on. It really does help to talk about it, preferably to more than just one person (if only to give your best friend some relief).
• A Teddy Bear (for hugs and to talk to at 4am when everyone else is asleep.) Dogs and cats will do, too, although pets may not always give you quite that loving sympathetic gaze and undivided attention that teddy bears are so good at. (But avoid the stuffed animals/gifts your ex gave you)
• Hot showers (As much as you may not even want to get out of bed, much less get in the shower - *sniffle* “who cares if I wash my hair now, anyway?” - you will feel better after a shower, or a nice long soak in the tub. Hot water relaxes tense muscles, soothes anxiety and refreshes puffy, tear-stained faces.
• Paper and pens (a journal is perfect, paints and glue and other illustration tools, even better!)
• Funny movies and absorbing novels can be a great temporary respite and laughter can really lighten your mood.
• If you’re one of the millions who try to fill that empty sad feeling through your mouth (which usually doesn’t work because food isn’t what you’re missing), fill the fridge with celery sticks and other light snacks that you won’t regret later if you eat too munch.
• On the other hand, don’t forget to eat! Heartbreak can often rob you of your appetite, but be sure not to to punish yourself and remember to think about your health, as you are the most important person now. Being ill from malnutrition won’t help you be strong enough to move on. If you’ve lost your appetite, make sure you have the fridge stocked with relatively healthy food that you like, and make sure you eat enough to keep your energy up.
• Your sense of humor and your knowledge that “this too shall pass”.
• Lots of tissues.
• Self-love. even if you aren’t feeling so hot about yourself right now, look in the mirror and remind yourself of all the good things about you, and the fact that breaking up does not mean there is something wrong with you. Remember that lots of great people have failed relationships; the fact that your relationship failed says nothing about you as a person. it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you, it means there was something not working in the relationship.
• Friends and family can be a great support system - you may find that the people you’re closest to will do anything and everything to help you heal and be happy again. Go out to play with them, even if you don’t feel like it - you won’t regret it. However, sometimes this isn’t the case. If you have unsupportive people in your life, you need to seek support elsewhere. Make meeting supportive new people who share your interests part of your new challenge!
• The realization that great guys/girls DO exist, this is not the last person you will ever love, and that one day you’ll find the one for you that you’ll go the distance with. If you found it once, you can find it again. Promise.

How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work

from wikiHow

It’s hard enough to make local relationships work, but having miles, States, and sometimes even an ocean between you makes it even more difficult. However, successful long distance relationships can and do exist. Here’s how to give yours every chance to survive and thrive.

Steps

1. Ask the important questions at the onset, to make sure you are both clear on the parameters of the relationship. Setting parameters such as naming your relationship (dating, seeing each other, boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged)as well defining exclusive(limited to one person,) non exclusive. These can be difficult and awkward questions to ask, but will save you great heartache and misunderstanding down the line. Example: “Are you open to the possibility of relocating if the relationship should it become more serious?” or “What are you looking to get out of the relationship?”. Stating your end goal or ideas will allow each person to maintain what they need.
2. Do things together. Defy the distance. As a long distance couple, it’s important to do other things together besides the usual phone call. In a long distance relationship, interaction over the phone can become dull in the long run. Incorporating other forms of interaction are important. Just think… people in short-distance relationships do not spend the majority of their time talking, but rather doing things with each other. Try to replicate this by finding things to do together such as watching a TV show or movie simultaneously. For an extensive list of more things you can do with each other (or for each other) click here: Over 60 Activities & Ideas for LDR Couples!
3. Communicate in some way every day, more than once if possible. Since you won’t be seeing each other, it’s important to establish and maintain an emotional connection. These don’t always have to be long, in-depth conversations. Tell each other about your little triumphs and tragedies. Ask for advice. Use an instant messenger program or VoIP for real-time chat, or web cams for that visual connection. E-mail is great so make sure you use it, especially if long-distance phone calls put a strain on your budget. Remember that e-mail and even instant messengers can increase the possibility of misunderstandings. Write love letters. Send small gifts or flowers for no reason. In this case, quantity is as important as quality. You may discover an advantage over others whose partner is close at hand - you don’t take communication for granted!
4. Take advantage of the benefits a long distance relationship offers: more time with friends and/or family, no arguments over toothpaste caps, the pleasure of seeing your sweetheart again after a long absence, time to mull your options (rather than snapping at your partner impulsively) before you respond to that email s/he wrote that seemed so rude the first time you read it, etc. Most important, being far apart gives you a chance to maintain your individuality - something that can get lost in the shuffle when couples spend all their free time together.
5. Pursue common interests, even if it means pursuing them apart. If there’s a movie you’re both interested in seeing, watch it individually and then call each other afterward and talk about it. Read a certain book at the same time. Stargaze while you’re on the phone. Set your watches to go off at the same time every day, and synchronize your alarm with that of your partner. Make it a point to think of each other when your watch goes off, and revel in the fact that he or she is thinking about you, too. Find creative ways to bond.
6. Avoid the temptation to be controlling. People have free will and no one can or should control another person. As long as you are both interested in being in the relationship, you will stick with it and distance will not make a difference. As soon as one of you decides the other is not a good match - or someone else is a better match - your relationship ends, whether you live 3000 miles apart, two streets over, or share the same bed with your wedding picture on the wall. You are going to have to trust each other completely if this relationship is going to work.
7. Talk about your future together. Assuming that ultimately you’d want to live together, discussing how you’re going to get to that point will help you prove to each other that the relationship is going somewhere and that your efforts and frustrations are not in vain.
8. Know when to say good-bye. While this is tough in any relationship, this can be especially hard over long distances. When communication becomes one-sided or sparse for too long and for no apparent reason, when arguments (yes, you’ll have them) become too frequent, when the whole thing just seems like more trouble than it’s worth, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. You have to remember that for a healthy relationship, no matter how far or close, you must be willing to let go.
9. Remember: things will get better with time, and even the relationship will become better. Have hope.
10. Visit often Try to make the time to visit each other as often as possible or as often as your budget permits you to. A relationship cannot thrive if the only thing you have is the phone calls. You need to see each other up close and personal every chance you get. The key here is to set up some “rules” about frequency of communication and visits and stick to them, consistency can help a LDR survive.
11. Avoid jealousy and be trusting One of the easiest ways to destroy a perfectly healthy relationship is to poison it with jealousy and drama. When you start a long distance relationship you must be realistic of the difficulties ahead. It always helps if you go in a relationship with the idea that everyone is innocent and worth of trust until proven otherwise. Don’t fall in the trap to interrogate your partner every time he/she decides to go out for a drink with people you haven’t met or he/she didn’t get back to you right away when you called and left a message. Just because you are in a LDR, you lives won’t pause. Your partner will naturally have a social life where he/she lives and so should you. Sure it helps to have your eyes open and not be totally naive but being overly suspicious is unhealthy for you and your relationship too. You should both maintain your social activity and be happy with yourselves.
12. Be positive Staying positive and not focusing on the negative aspects of a LDR is essential to keeping your relationship blooming and your partner content. Being away from your sweetie is not all bad news. Use the opportunity of personal time to pursue your interests and hobbies as well as your career objectives. Another positive points it that long distance dating pushes both of you to be more creative, communicate better since you don’t have “face-to-face” time and test your feelings. As long as you see the long distance relationship as a temporary state, you will keep your chin up and transmit that feeling of security and happiness to your partner too.

Long distance dating is all about a balanced relationship between partners; a relationship built on strong foundations of trust, understanding and determination to make it work. The two partners should be reasonable about their expectations and willing to cooperate so that this relationship can lead to a happy ending. If these parameters are taken care of, you have nothing to worry about. For more information about Long Distance Relationships, click here:Long Distance Relationships community website
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Tips

• A long distance relationship is no different from a proximal relationship in that they both require a great deal of work, excellent communication, patience, sacrifice and understanding. But you will have to work extra hard to maintain the communication and to stay focused enough to not let your daily life interfere with your desire to be with the other person. Don’t forget them or you can forget the relationship and it will all be over.
• Sometimes phone/email/IM communication can get bland… don’t forget there are other ways to interact! Utilize the internet and find things you both can do together. It takes the pressure off constant talking, and can be fun. Click here for a list of things for LDR couples to do:[1]
• One of the hardest parts of a long distance relationship is connecting when one person gets busier than the other. If this happens in a relationship it is important to maintain communication. If you are the busy person, try to warn your partner ahead of time that you will be working many hours and may have limited time. If you are the not-as-busy person, take advantage of the time by picking up a new hobby, getting in shape, reading a new book, etc. Flexibility is very important.
• It helps to have a solid time in the future for when the long distance part of the relationship will end, no matter the time length. Without it, the relationship can begin to mold into something that is always distant - even with great communication. With it, each person can see the point at which the distance will end and work harder to keep emotions readily available.
• When talking to your partner, take note of things they enjoy the most (hobbies, day-to-day activities, etc.), and do a little research on it so you have more to do when you see them next. For example: If your partner likes to dance, find the location of different clubs where you will see them next. If you don’t know how to dance, take lessons and you will impress them by your willingness to make an effort on their behalf.
• Buy a game that you can play together over the internet, such as a MMORPG (massively multi-player online role playing game). You will be able to chat while playing and it will give a greater feeling of togetherness.
• Mail each other scented clothes.(Or even clothes smelling of your sweat - pheromones are a great way to establish intimate contact.)
• Send each other spontaneous ecards.
• Make a creative countdown and mail it to your partner to enjoy until you see each other next. For example, create a photo calendar, with something you add for each day to describe what you love about them.
• Do not set unreasonable expectations for your visit and/or future plans. Fantasizing about the visit is fine, but not out loud verbally or by email to your partner. Instead, enjoy the excitement of the surprises to come. By stating that a surprise is coming can allow to much thought time for the receiver and leaves both of you open to disappointments.
• The Long Distance Relationship Guidebook is a well-balanced, practical book for couples in long distance relationships who need some guidance.
• Buy a webcam so you can chat face to face and see each other, so when you meet you will remember what they look like.
• Consider the fact that living far apart gives you both a chance to grow as individuals. Some couples break up to “find themselves”, but in a long distance relationship you both have enough space to do your own things and still have a connection.
• Don’t be afraid to talk about the “boring” parts of your day. The trickier, almost subconscious part is maintaining the feeling of being intermingled in your partner’s life, a state the experts often refer to as “interrelatedness.” YourTango: How To Make Long-Distance Relationships Work

Warnings

• Remember, every kind of relationship takes hard work and dedication to your loved one or partner, whether it’s long distance or proximal. If you and your partner are willing to take these steps, then expect bumps and turns in the road. These bumps and turns will only help contribute towards a relationship.
• Long distance relationships are not for the faint of heart. They can be very trying - but so can proximal relationships.
• Long distance relationships can and will test you and your partner; you need to trust him/her entirely as paranoia can play a major part in the demise of your relationship. Also, these kinds of relationships can bring a lot of disappointment and heartache–depending on the time you spend away from each other it is VERY important that if you want this relationship to work you must make a great effort not to drift apart.
• Long distance relationships are difficult, as you are emotionally attached to a person you cannot touch or comfort and this can hurt your heart and wreak havoc with your emotions. The only way to make these relationships work is if you and your partner honestly believe you will be able to survive without each other for a considerable amount of time without the need or desire to be with someone else.

How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship

from wikiHow

As your relationship with a romantic or religious interest has developed, you find your old friends falling away, while family members remark on how you don’t seem like yourself. Are you losing yourself to an odd, and ultimately destructive, relationship? Before you can regain your individuality and strength, you’ll need to determine if the relationship is taking something away, and, if so, put an end to the destructive cycle. For the purposes of the article, we’ll alternate between male and female gender examples (”him” in one step, “her” in the next).

Steps

1. Evaluate honestly: Is this relationship healthy, or is it unhealthy? Be objective as you analyze how things have changed since this relationship began:

• Are you enjoying elevated esteem from your friends & family, or are they looking at you sideways? Are your family relationships suddenly filled with tension, every time your partner’s name comes up? While stressed relationships with others aren’t a sure sign of an unhealthy romance, red flags should go up if everyone who cares about you is getting worried or is being pushed away.
• Do you find yourself straying from your path? If you’re a religious person, are you doing things you wouldn’t ordinarily do? Are you obsessing about activities that require you to be alone? Have all the goals and activities that previously defined you suddenly been pushed to the back burner for no reason other than that your love is not into them? Deferring your future is a sign you are becoming unhealthily dependent on this person (usually a result of being systematically isolated from family and friends from before you got involved).
• Does this person bring out your best, or worst traits? Do you feed each others’ best self, or have you seen your attitudes change to more closely mirror your partner’s, which puts off your family and friends?

Tips

• Do recognize that almost everyone is capable of some manipulative or controlling behaviors from time to time - we all want to get our way or win the argument. But when you begin to recognize more than a few of the above warning signs, it’s time to take a closer look at your relationship and decide whether it’s truly an equal partnership.
• Don’t blow off the opinions of your friends and family, they do have your best interests in mind. Do they tell you you’re acting strange lately? Do they comment on how different you seem - and not in a good way? Has anyone you love and respect expressed actual dislike for your partner? Ask yourself, “Is my (for example) mum right about every other thing, but wrong about this ONE thing - the new gf/bf?” And if more than one close family member or friend is expressing dislike of the new guy/gal, give more weight to the negative opinions.
• Key to this entire discussion is the recognition that the establishment of control is subtle, and often occurs over time. The entire purpose of the article is to help you examine your relationship for the warning signs and to (A) either seek help and or validate your sense of things not being right, and help you be comfortable with your decision to leave - without manipulation or control from your partner.
• Controlling persons often check out of the relationship before you do, S/he may become detached and apathetic toward you. But still, when you’ve had enough, he or she will pitch a freaker as if cut to the bone by your thoughtless abandonment. Just so you know.
• Don’t be mean about it. You don’t have to be like him/her to get away. Just say it’s not a match and you don’t intend to continue the relationship. Period. Don’t try pointing out all of the above warning signs. This type of person won’t recognize him or herself. It’s like trying to teach a pig to sing - it wastes your time and makes the pig bitter.
• Confess to your friends and family - apologize to them for marginalizing them and disregarding their bad opinion of this person. Tell them you wish you had listened to them. Get all the anger and hurt out of your system - they will be only too happy to share (they will rejoice when you tell them it’s over).
• Resist the temptation to be bitter about the experience. You’ve just survived a very tough situation and lived to tell the tale!

Warnings

• Severely controlling and manipulative people are often produced by external factors such as abusive parents or clinical mental disorders. You cannot hope to change or rescue such a person, as much as you may care for them; the best help you can give them is to (A) refuse to be their victim, and (B) direct them to professional help.
• The likelihood of stalking and violent behaviors developing in this type of person is higher than in others, both for you and any supporters you might have. If you feel you’re being stalked, notify authorities and take steps to make yourself safe (travel with others, stay with friends or family, avoid places you frequented together, get a restraining order).
• If s/he shows up at your door after you’ve broken it off, don’t open it if you’re home alone. Make sure someone else is with you if you do decide to talk to him or her (not recommended), but even though you want to be compassionate, the best and easiest approach is to simply cut off contact.
• Compassion is not easily understood or accepted by these folks, and it just hurts you both more in the end as it is likely to be used as a weapon against you. Cutting them off may seem cruel, but it ends the confrontations and forces them to move on or get help.
• Watch for stalking or menacing behaviors or threats, including threats to harm you or your supporters, or to commit suicide. Don’t rely on your own judgment to determine whether threats are serious. Report them to the police immediately. This person is probably just difficult and not dangerous, but don’t take any chances. If necessary, get a restraining order and call the cops each and every time it’s violated.
• While it is preferable that marriages involving kids be worked out, in many cases, a controlling manipulator is not amenable to marriage or family counseling. If your partner is not willing to commit to counseling, then separation may be the only answer. Without family counseling, the manipulative, controlling partner will damage the children, and you will spawn more of the same type of person.
• Couples counseling or marriage counseling may not be a safe place for you to talk about any abuse you are enduring, with the abuser sitting right next to you during a session. You need individual supportive counseling that is often available for free at your local domestic violence agency. They can connect you to an agency close by.

How to Deal with Emotional Abuse

from wikiHow

Emotional abuse comes in many forms. Sometimes, it’s years worth of a boyfriend wearing you down. Sometimes, it’s a romantic entanglement that takes a turn into this dangerous territory. It can even come in school under a dominating teacher, or at work under a bad boss. Whatever abuse you have suffered, you can begin to overcome the effects you’ve suffered today. For the purposes of keeping things clear in this article, we will alternate between genders in the steps.
This article is best suited for adults in relationships where there is still room for choice. However, If you’re afraid for your immediate safety, call 911. For help and advice on escaping an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224.

Steps

1. Realize that you cannot change your partner, only your reaction to him or her. You can attempt to show your partner how damaging these behaviors are and how they are affecting you, and hope your partner will agree that you are being badly damaged. You can hope your partner will then make the decision to change, but ultimately you cannot force change. Your partner must recognize it and decide to end the behavior on his or her own.
2. Set new, reasonable terms for the relationship with clear and consistently implemented consequences. Decide (ideally together, but if that isn’t possible, decide for yourself) that you’re going to learn a new way of being in this relationship. Abuse most often exists because the spiritual/emotional weakness of the abuser demands the exercise of control over others (you) to give him or her a feeling of emotional security. Read that again, because it’s important: Abuse really starts because of insecurity or trust issues with the abuser. It is most often enabled by (1) the victim’s inability or failure to recognize the abusive behavior or (2) powerlessness of the victim, as in the case of a child enduring the emotional abuse of a parent. In adult relationships, ultimately, neither partner understands a healthy way to diffuse abuse and to respect each other or themselves. Establish that, effective immediately, all interactions will be honorable, and will specifically and especially exclude: name calling, character attacks/judgments, raised voices, spitting, throwing objects, etc. and that if either partner breaks the agreement, then separation will immediately be imposed until mutual respect is restored. Be prepared to accept that this may never happen, especially in advanced stages of abuse, and that your commitment to a healthy, respectful relationship may result in the termination of this abusive one.
3. Set boundaries. Abuse, in general, is an issue of disrespect that usually involves trespass upon individual equality and freedom due to unclear or poorly-defined boundaries. If you are on the receiving end of abuse, it’s up to you to set up clear, reasonable boundaries for an honorable relationship and to consistently stick to them. Let your partner know that you now recognize your responsibility in allowing the disrespect in the past, but that this era has now come to an end. Recognize the damage incurred by the previous era and establish a commitment to obtaining the support needed to forgive and restore the peace and strength necessary for mutual respect in all of your future relationships.
4. Develop emotional intelligence. In cases of abuse, both partners are often unknowingly suppressing important emotions. Receivers of abuse are often uncomfortable expressing authentic, respectful anger, which is necessary to establish boundaries. Abusers are often expressing fear, not anger, when abusing. It is the “Fight” fear response that is coming through (as in “Fight or Flight”), and in order to end abuse, both partners must be willing to learn new ways of feeling and expressing their true emotions to end the pattern of blaming, shaming, and punishing. Express your deepest and strongest feelings only in forums where they will receive the fullest respect and support, such as a diary, a blog, a group of very close friends or trusted family members, a professional and respectful psychologist (best by referral only), etc.
5. Understand the Dynamics of Relationship. Some relationships are formed on physical attraction only, some on repeating past patterns learned from a parent; some are not of our choosing (as with a parent). Whether you are working out childhood issues on your partner, or simply repeating learned behaviors, it’s important to understand that not many relationships are formed in the realm of intellect and emotion. Some remain largely unformed, others change over time. In a perfect world, Relationships would be our highest learning playground. Perhaps the one we’re with has the most to teach us, and often triggers the most extreme emotional responses. If you feel that it’s safe to stay and learn with your partner, then take a good look at the dynamics playing out which have something to teach you. If you don’t feel safe enough to stay, but need to end it, then reflect back on what you might learn about the relationship patterns that were in place. The learning may be about valuing yourself, unwinding old traumas, or expressing emotions healthfully.
6. Source your safety. It’s easy to think that your partner is in charge of your safety depending on his or her behavior, but this is not true. You are the only one who can create safety for yourself. You do this by making choices. You have an innate navigational system within yourself that allows you to make decisions which feel right for you, and which will keep you safe and happy. When you learn to pay attention to your instincts, you will know which choices are life affirming, and which ones will drain you of your energy or create chaos.
7. Get some coaching or professional help. Find a relationship coach or mental health professional who can help you with this issue. It is possible for both partners to unwind emotional abuse if they choose to. Finding a great support system, preferably one that utilizes a holistic, no-blame approach to healing domestic violence will create the healthiest and most successful environment for learning and healing.
8. Know when to say goodbye. Sometimes, relationships are just wrong and cannot be saved. For your sake, and for the sake of your mental health, try hard to recognize as early as possible whether or not this relationship is even worth working on. The reason we date before marriage is to discover whether or not we are compatible. We thwart that process when we refuse to see that being treated poorly by another adult is unacceptable. If you are unhappy in your relationship, and have been for longer than half the time you have been together, leave. (Example: You have been unhappy for more than two years, but you have only been together for three years.)

Tips

• Be firm and clear with your decisions to make serious changes in your relationship.
• Choose to see yourself and your partner as good people who may, at this time, not know a healthy way to relate to one another. The stress of being in abusive relationships creates hyper-sensitivity. Learning how to relate to one another in a healthier manner may mean there is hope for the relationship. Remember, both parties need to make a concerted effort for true improvement to be made. The abuser may need private sessions without you there. You may need private sessions without your abuser there. Simply make a commitment to yourself to learn what it is you need to know to create a loving, healthy, vibrant relationship. Blaming yourself or others is optional and only keeps the dynamic of punishment going.
• For assistance in finding a coach in your area (or a phone coach) trained to successfully assist individuals and couples in this area, go to www.hendricks.com and click on Referrals. Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks are the premier teachers of coaches who have the holistic training necessary to help end the issue of abuse. (The original author is a trained Hendricks coach who specializes in abuse)
• In some cases, the abuse is so severe or the abuser so unwilling to change that you just need to get out, and get out now. If you have tried to stop the abuse repeatedly without effect, or if your partner is abusing you physically as well, get out. Leave the house, do not say where you can be found, and talk to a professional counselor.

Warnings

• If you choose to end an abusive relationship, be sure to have a good support system in place, and pay attention to all of the choices you need to make to stay safe.
• Do all the reasonable things you can to create a good relationship before you leave, and allow your partner the same opportunities so that there remains no unresolved business, and no internal blame on yourself for destroying a commitment which could have been repaired.
• Remember that unless you are an underage child dealing with an abusive parent, you can leave whenever you feel like it. No one will blame you for leaving an abusive person and getting yourself to physical and mental safety.
• However, if the abuse stems or originates in your immediate family, it is best to notify and let other members of your family know, and deal with the matter appropriately.
• Own any responsibility that is yours in the abuse, and recognize that these elements will likely carry into future relationships unless they are repaired on your part in the current relationship first.

How to Identify if You Are in an Abusive Relationship

from wikiHow

Are YOU in an abusive relationship? Read the Ten Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship to find out!

Steps

1. Review the following Ten Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

• History of legal or discipline problems or has trouble keeping a job.
• Blames you for his / her anger.
  • There is a difference between a person having an occasional bad day, and a person consistently blaming someone else for their problems.
• Serious drug or alcohol use or other addiction.
  • Is the person addicted to drugs, alcohol, video games, or shopping? Do they self-medicate to try to get away from their problems? Do they try to avoid problems instead of dealing with them? If so, this person could be trouble.
• History of violent behavior.
• Threatens others regularly.
• Insults you or calls you names.
• Trouble controlling feelings like anger.
• Tells you what to wear, what to do or how to act. Or tries frequently to keep you away from friends or family. Isolation is a form of brain-washing and manipulation. They are trying to keep you away from people who could help you.
• Threatens or intimidates you in order to get their way.

Tips

• Please share the message of Teen Dating Violence with those that you care about.

How to Handle Jealousy

from wikiHow

Many people feel jealous from time to time. Jealousy is easy to deal with, once you understand what it’s teaching you. Here are some pointers on working through your emotions and feelings of jealousy.

Steps

1. Understand the emotions. Jealousy is a combination of fear and anger: fear of losing something and anger that someone is “moving in on” something that you feel belongs only to you.
2. Allow yourself to actually ‘feel’ emotions in a healthy way. When you start feeling jealous, ask yourself: Is it more fear-based or more anger-based? Recognize which part of your body is being affected. If you feel a dropping or clutching sensation in your stomach, it’s probably fear. If you feel a burning, tight sensation in your shoulders and jaw, then you’re likely feeling anger. You might also feel a combination of those sensations.
3. Communicate your feelings. Sharing your true feelings with someone without blaming them can create a deep sense of connection between the two of you and open up a dialogue about the path of your relationship. Use “I” instead of “you.” Instead of saying, “You shouldn’t have done that,” say, “I felt terrible when that happened.”
4. Identify what your jealousy is teaching you. Jealousy can alert you to what you want and what is important to you. If you’re jealous of someone talking to a friend of yours, personal relationships may be important to you. If you’re jealous about money, you may have an underlying need for security or freedom. Ask yourself, “Why am I jealous over this? What is making me jealous? What am I trying to keep? Why do I feel threatened?” When you begin to understand what makes you jealous, you can begin to take positive steps to maintain those things, without the cloud of negative emotion that accompanies jealousy.
5. Change any false beliefs that might cause jealousy. There are often false beliefs that underlie jealousy and fuel emotion. If you examine the belief, you can often eliminate the jealousy. Some common underlying beliefs are “Everyone is out to get my money” or “If this person leaves me, I won’t have any friends.” Beliefs are changeable. If you change your belief, you change the way you feel. Choose to tell yourself a belief that is nurturing and supportive, and you’ll feel better. When you begin taking steps to creating a happy and fulfilling life for yourself, you will find the anger, the jealousy, and the fear will disappear. Don’t listen to people who make you jealous.

Tips

• Jealousy is not the same thing as love. Sometimes, people think that by feeling jealous about someone, they are loving them. Jealousy is not love; it’s the fear and anger of losing love. Jealousy disappears when you are truly loving yourself and others for whatever experience you’re having.
• Learn to be happy with yourself and what you have. Everyone is different, and each person has good and bad qualities. Realize that you have the potential to create a better future.
• Try to talk about your problems with someone. Perhaps you feel that these jealous tendencies are a private matter; then, you ought to anonymously ask an advice column or similar construct about your problem.
• Irrational jealousy usually stems from your own insecurities and low self-esteem. Address these issues first.
• Be happy for the other person. When you are jealous, you may think, “I like that; it would be nice to have that thing or experience.” When you can be happy for another person’s success and happiness, you allow positive feelings to flow into your life. Instead of being angry, congratulate the other person.

Warnings

• If jealousy in your relationship is leading to control or power struggles, it’s a sign that there is an underlying issue that needs to be addressed.